When I visited profs at various universities out of town, they all made a point of reminding me that a PhD is years and years of my life and that you have to really want to do it and that most scholars persue this avenue because they can’t (or don’t want to) do anything else. I disregarded most of these statements as attempts to psych me out; to weed out applicants who are faint of heart. Then I gave these statements more thought.
Not only could I do something else, I could do everything else. Not to toot my own horn, but I have more marketable skills than I can shake a stick at; many of which are crafts and talents that I find personally rewarding. School will always be there, but ambition and passion may not be… I’m turning 26 in a matter of weeks and I don’t want my life to fly by the way it has been.
The outcome of this personal enlightenment/life-plan revolution is that I’m desperate to get this thesis (and it’s supervisor) out of my face so I can get on with things. Undeadclothingco is a sad work-in-progress for me. All I want to do is work toward it, but I feel guilt and shame every time I fire up my sewing machine; guilt that I should be working on schoolwork, shame that I don’t want to be. I’m suddenly obsessed with the idea of doing what I want without guilt or shame over my shoulder. I’d like to give undeadclothingco my focus for awhile and see where it takes me.
I’m nowhere near done my thesis, so any hopes and dreams for undeadclothingco will have to wait for now. I suspect that the ultimate goal of working for myself toward something that means a lot to me will keep me working diligently on my thesis, and will keep my chin up as well.